Variocele Embolization

Today is Varicocele embolisation day.

After our devastating news in August we decided not to take the "this just happens" as gospel truth from the Dr, who, after all is a Gynae.  We got an appointment with the Urologist who diagnosed Varicocele.

70 % of Mafe factor infertility is caused by a varicocele and in 50 % of thise cases it is treatable with either an iperation or this embolisation procedure.

Varicocele - What is it

A varicocele is a widening of the veins along the cord that holds up a man's testicles.

A varicocele forms when valves inside the veins along the spermatic cord prevent blood from flowing properly. This causes the blood to back up, leading to swelling and widening of the veins. (This is essentially the same process that leads to varicose veins, which are common in the legs.)
Varicoceles usually develop slowly. They are more common in men ages 15 - 25 and are most often seen on the left side of the scrotum. Varicoceles are often the cause of infertility in men.
The sudden appearance of a varicocele in an older man may be caused by a kidney tumor, which can block blood flow to a vein. This is more common on the left side than the right.

Varicocele Embolisation

An alternative to surgery is varicocele embolization. This method is also done on an outpatient basis. However, it uses a much smaller cut than surgery, so you heal faster. A small hollow tube called a catheter (tube) is placed into a vein in your groin or neck area.
Using x-rays as a guide, the health care provider moves the tube into the varicocele. A tiny coil passes through the tube into the varicocele. The coil blocks blood flow to the bad vein, and sends it to normal veins.

Options

New Info recently in... we've had more test results that have revealed more devastating results.

We have only 3 options, they are seemingly drastic but sadly the only options available to us.

1. Assisted Reproductive Technique - ICSI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGbIL9QWSsM&feature=player_embedded
An expensive, no wait, a flippen expensive, procedure - the Rolls Royce of ART - that comes with absolutely no garuantees.  Both hubby and I will need courses of injections, over several months, prior to the treatment. We've started on this because of the concernes that Dr V has that we may be running out of time, but at the end of the courses of injections we may not proceed with the actual procedure. One step at a time.


2.  Adoption
I am keen.  It means I could have my baby in my arms in a matter or months.  Hubby has real concernes in this area that only God can change in his heart.  In itself this would be a miracle


I have momentarily lost hope. We are so sad.  I feel like we've lost something we cant get back, the ability to naturally concieve.  Did we ever have that? Did we wait too long? We're only 31!
 We are grieving.  Both of us. Its hard talking.  Its worse not talking. We feel broken.

I know I want a baby.  I also know I want to have a natural biological child, I want to know and understand what it is like to carry life within me for 9 months. I know I want to be a part of the solutiuon to the orphans in our nation. I know I could love an orphan and adopt them as my own.

I dont know if my biological baby will be first born or if my adopted baby will be.
I dont know if I will ever have a biological baby.
I dont know if I will ever adopt a baby.

I will have a baby.

3. Pray and believe for a miracle conception.

.... Reactivate hope ....

Where is the Ellusive Spring of Eternal Hope?

I opened my email this to find the fax from my doctor.  I had to see for myself why it is that these results have been deemed "No Good", why "its a good idea" to see a specialist.


Google became my best friend for the next 3 hours as I researched every line of the lab report, and come to the conclusion, she was right - NOT good.  We need help, we will journey, it may be long, it will be costly.  Will I have to give up the volunteer work I have been doing and go back to work full time to help pay the medical bills?  Whatever the sacrifice, at the end of this journey it will be so worth it!


I try to have a quiet time, meditate and pray.  All that comes to mind is that on this journey I will have to rely on Gods Faithfulness, his Mercy, and have Hope.

Psalm 121

 ^1-2 I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains?
   No, my strength comes from God,
      who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.

 ^3-4 He won't let you stumble,
      your Guardian God won't fall asleep.
   Not on your life! Israel's
      Guardian will never doze or sleep.

 ^5-6 God's your Guardian,
      right at your side to protect you—
   Shielding you from sunstroke,
      sheltering you from moonstroke.

 ^7-8 God guards you from every evil,
      he guards your very life.
   He guards you when you leave and when you return,
      he guards you now, he guards you always.

Subject: FROM MEDFEM : A GUIDE FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS by Mandy Rodrigues (Wolff) – Resident Clinical Psychologist

A GUIDE FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS

By Mandy Rodrigues (Wolff) – Resident Clinical Psychologist

One of the most difficult challenges of infertility is communicating with the people around you about what may be a devastating life-crisis. Even the most loving relative or friend may offer a "helpful" suggestion that will appear to be incredibly insensitive and hurtful. Hopefully, this will help the people around you get a grasp on what you are going through.

Well-meaning Advice
When someone we care about has a problem, it is natural to try to help. We often draw on past experiences or people we know and their prior dealings with a topic. When someone has a car in need of repair, what's the first thing you do? You recommend the place you take your car and recall someone who has dealt with that same problem or repair.

Generally, baby-making advice is NOT transferable. What you and your husband did or your first cousin and his wife did will generally not impact the person you are talking to. Not only can't your friend use your advice, the sound of it will probably upset her greatly. She is in fact inundated with this sort of advice at every turn. To the couple who is undergoing infertility treatments, making love and conceiving a child have very little to do with one another. Every month the husband and wife are confronted with the brutal reality that they have failed yet again. Your well-meaning advice is an attempt to transform an extremely complicated medical problem into a simplistic little problem. By simplifying the problem in this manner, you've diminished the validity of their emotions.
The best thing you can do for your friend is to simply listen and be sensitive. Think clearly before you speak and before you address topics like reproduction, baby showers, pregnancy.

Why Infertility is So Upsetting
Most women have the general expectation of motherhood. They have pictured themselves in a motherhood role ever since they played with dolls. When a woman who expected to carry a child is confronted with the possibility of barrenness, it is a shocking blow; the same as if she were told that she had a terminal illness would be a shocking blow. Not having a baby can literally feel like a matter of life and death. In the Bible, Rachel was barren. She said to Jacob "Give me children or I die ..." (Genesis 30:1).

Infertility counsellors are beginning to view the infertility treatment and coping process with Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. The experience of infertility is literally the death of a dream. Infertility is the death of the idea of pregnancy and parties celebrating the special nature of pregnancy. It means no maternity clothes shopping sprees and no strangers feeling your tummy in the grocery store checkout line commenting on your big belly. It is a sacred, assumed state that the women is counting on that doesn't come through. It is a painful and difficult state. Our culture puts a tremendous focus on reproduction. How many times have you heard people say while staring intently at a newborn, "oh, she's got your eyes and his hair." It is a sign of continuation-an investment in the future.

Things to Avoid
Don't give blanket advice. If your friend received a diagnosis of brain cancer you wouldn't say, "Go on vacation-that can do wonders for your cancer." Infertility is a medical condition. Going on vacation will not cure or fix the problem. Other things to skip saying to your friend "you're trying to hard", "you're not doing it right", or "relax and you'll get pregnant". They all discount the medical condition and imply that your friends are defective or too stupid to figure out procreation without your help.
Don't criticize your friends' medical choices. Medical options are bountiful but they aren't all for everyone. Not only that, but people take different time and space to make important decisions. Just because it's an easy decision for you to make from the outside looking in, does not mean that your friends can process what's happening to them as quickly.
Don't ask how it's going-no news is always bad news. Let your friend open up and share how her cycle is going. This is extremely sensitive and private. It's better to let your friend decide how and when to share this information.
Don't suggest miracle cures or things such as "you can always adopt". The insinuation is that infertility isn't so bad-you have other options. It also implies that adoption is second best.

Problem Situations
Just as an ordinary room can be an obstacle course to a blind person, so can the everyday world be full of hazards for an infertile woman-hazards that do not exist for women with children.
Imagine the typical family gathering. The men are watching the football game while the women talk about the problems with their kids and whose child is in this sport and this dance class and this grade. Someone is either pregnant, breast-feeding, or has a toddler in tow. The infertile woman is caught between the two rooms, unable to participate in either event-alone in a crowd.
Each holiday marks the passage of time. Other people are progressing in their lives but the infertile couple is in a holding pattern. Hurry up and wait is what they do cycle after cycle.
Mundane activities like going to the shopping mall are packed with land mines. Seeing pregnant women, families at the park, the baby clothing section-all of these things are reminders of infertility and the family they might never have. Notice on the television one night how many ads are for diapers, baby food, and early pregnancy tests. Even staying home and watching the TV is scary.

So, Now What?
Because she is infertile, life is extremely stressful for your friend. She's doing her best to cope. Please be understanding. Sometimes she will be depressed. Sometimes she will be angry. Sometimes she will be physically and emotionally exhausted. She's not going to be "the same person" she used to be. She won't want to do many of the things she used to do.
She has no idea when, or if, her problem will be solved. She's engaged in an emotionally and financially taxing venture. Maybe someday she will be successful. Maybe someday she will give up and turn to adoption, or come to terms with living a childless life. At present, though, she has no idea what will happen. It's all she can do to keep going from one day to the next. She does not know why this is her lot. All she knows is the horrible anguish that she lives with every day.
Please care about her. Please be sensitive to her situation. Give her your support, she needs it and wants it.

Progress awakens Hope

There is a reason doctors should do one thing at a time, not go in with guns blazing and attack every possible angle.  All it takes is for one thing to be wrong and upset the whole apple cart.  Correct that one thing and you should have the winning formula.

Its been a while since my last blog about this because nothing has happened.  We went to Zimbabwe, and my stress levels were through the roof, we came back from Zimbabwe, I left the missions organisation and life returned to a beautiful synchronised dance.  A Ballet I would say, something with uplifting music like the Nut Cracker. Calm and peaceful and right and optimistic.  I feel like I have never been this content. This change we made has worked for me.

After an extraordinarily long cycle, we finally reached day 12 of the next one and went off to the clinic to see the good doctor V.  The internal scans showed a beautiful 9.6 mm  thick lining, (the pre L'scope lining was 5.7 mm) a large helathy follicle developed on the left side also bigger than the one I saw previously.  The doctor asked us to come back the nexday for the Poist Coital test, a day earlier than anticipated but Dr felt that things were progressing a bit faster than I had expected. I left feeling wildly optimistic.  Like this was the best news ever.

The next day was a Saturday, and we found ourselves in the waiting room at 7:30 am, just as the doctor was going off to do 5 aspirations and embryo transplantations (IVF Lingo for remove eggs, and put fertilised eggs back).  So we took ourselves for breakfast at the Mugg & Bean down the road wildly expectant and hopeful. 

Back in the consulting rooms after breakfast, and we are seeing one of the other partners who is on duty the weekend.  He took the smear and checked in the microscope.  Hubby and I gingerly swapping from one leg to another, waiting for  comment.  It seemed to take ages before he said "It looks to me like a sperm graveyard" my heart sank, "but, there are some who have survived, and are well formed and those Mcguivers can get you pregant".  I had a look in the microscope... many many dead... but I see 3 alive and swimming in my view. 

So... the mucous is no longer hostile.  I feel giddy with excitement.  It only takes one of those active swimmers to get you pregnant and they have bee swimming around in the mucous for 2 hours  - if it was still hostile they wouldn't be as active.

Why are there so many dead?  A good question. Usually less than 10% of sperm are "normal" in form and will survive past 2 hours anyway.  As Hubby's sperm count is so good, I am optimistic that that means that there will be lots of lovely normal swimming sperm to fertilise the big fat egg.

I've had a progesterone test today to make sure it was a good quality ovulation.  Then we call our doctor tomorrow and he will advise us, based on the outcome of the last 4 days testing, on whether or not we need to have more tests this week or wait it out.

The wait it out option means that we dont see him again for 3 months - we try to get this right naturally.  If not, back we go for the next steps, whatever that may be. Personally I am hoping for the wait it out option.  There is one other challenge to overcome, but it may not be necessay. 

I am feeling so optimistic and hopeful.  Its amazing how just the Laparoscopy has changed so much, not just physically, but the results of getting one thing right means that this seemingly impossible task of getting pregant may be  now so easily within our reach. Our levels of hope and faith have really improved, and we are feeling like this could be the month.

Stand with us in prayer as we believe for total healing in all the areas of our fertility challenges.

And thus ends a brief chapter

We went back to see Dr V last week to have the stitches out and look at the pictures taken by the camera during the op. Stage 2 Endometriosis is the diagnosis - the laparoscopy was the cure, and cutting down on my stress significantly is the prescribed treatment to keep it away.

What is stressfull in my life... Ive been working 2 jobs, one of which I am not being paid for which makes affording all of this fertility treatment near impossible. The worry that we will have to dig into precious savings to afford the next steps whatever they may be.

 My biggest source of stress is financial, if I have to sum it up in a word.

So we have eliminated the source of the stress - I have resigned from the missions organisation that I was working with, my last day being the 30 June.  No more the missionary, back to to my old company, who kept me on part time after I resigned,  hat in hand to ask for my full time position back.

No questions asked, and after a little negotiation, they accepted me back.  Praise the Lord for these two men, who allowed me the opportunity to try something out, and are allowing me the to come back to full time employment.

My heart is sad that I wont be a part of the mission organisations next set of adventures.  I want to say that I feel like I have let them down, but I don't think I am.  I had a word, that this would be for a season - boy was it a short one.  If all I achieved was giving the Directors the freedom to go overseas and do what needed doing then I am glad that I could add that value.  I was perfectly positioned, in a job that would give me the freedom and the flexibility to take a 5 month gap, with the space in my home to house the office, with the managerial skills and the wherewithal to do what needed doing at the time.  God used me in it. I dont know that I would have been open to being used in this way had I known the specifics up front. 

I just hope He was finished with what he was doing and I am not bailing on an unfinished work...

Our God Is In Control

Today I had the Laparoscopy that confirmed Stage 2 Endometriosis, but also zapped the Endometriosis.
Ordinarily the next step would for me to go back the Doctor for a day 12 scan and a day 14 scan and PC test again to see if the mucus is friendly to the swimmers.

If my cycle is to be relied upon this month, Day 12 falls on the Friday 17 June - the day after we have left for Zimbabwe and are in the throws of training 60 Entrepreneurs in Beitbridge, and Day 14 will be the Sunday we travel back... So no scans and tests for us this month (I can hear the bank balance breathe an audible sigh of relief).

Some of me wants to bargain with God and say "See Lord? I am putting myself in this situation that I find increadably stressfull (I hate the Beitbridge border post) I will be running the team, and we are going to do your work - So you best honour that Lord!"  I can be such a bossy boots. But this is not in my control. And God certainly has not answered me on that one.

I am listening to a CD by Stephen Curtis Chapman, entitled Beauty Will Rise, at the moment, that has been so real for me.  He wrote the music in the two years after his 5 year old daughter was killed - a freak accident where his teenage son rode over her as he was pulling into in the driveway.  This family had some serious healing to do!

The theme of the songs are about just relying on Gods Faithfulness, still bringing him Glory in the midst of trials, realising that sometimes all we can do is wait. One of the songs, called Holy, has really ministered straight to my heart...

"This is not how is could be, this is not how it should be, but this is how it is, Our God is in control, and I sing Holy Holy Holy is the Lord"




Y

Inch by Inch Life's a Cynch

I must say that ,medically, this has been a busy week, an expensive week.

We saw a fertility specialist, lets call him Dr V, at a fertility clinic in Sandton, 3 times this week.  Turns out that the timing was perfect.  We first saw him on Monday, day 8 of my cycle for out initial "how can I help you" consultation.  He did an internal scan (my first ever - I wasnt expecting it so I didnt have time to mentally freak myself out before it - a good thing), and measured the length and width of the one follicle developing in my left ovary. No activity in my right.  (I will not be having fraternal twins). He measured the width of the cross section  of my Uterus and was not too pleased with the thickness. It measured 5.7 millimeters, and should have measured 7 mm by that stage of the cycle.

Scan over, he took a good, thourough look at the test results that I brought with from my previous gynie and suggested more tests for hubby and that I come back in 4 days, on day 12 to have a day 12 scan, to re-check the follicle position and Uterus lining.  This is done to predict the ovulation date.

Back early (06:30) on Friday morning for the 12 day scan.  Hubby's results are absolutely fine.  My left ovary was right on schedule (as expected, its the right one that keeps its own time table).  But my Uterus is still not as thick as he would like.

The scan showed that Sunday will be day 14 and Ovulation Day.  So on Sunday to the doctor we went - for our Post Coital test - basically we do our thing ("Babydancing" is the fertility community jargon for this) really early so that by the time we get to the doctors office at 8am the swimmers have had ample opportunity to get as far as they can.

The Post Coital (PC) test revealed that, plainly put, I kill sperm.  Shame.  The 'lil swimmers didnt stand a chance. It was quite cool - the doctor showed us the preparation under the mcroscope,  I witnessed the mass murder first hand.

Next steps... a Laparoscopy to elimintae the Endometriosis that is causing the mucus to be so hostile - the doctor had a suspicion from the first appointment on Monday that this would be the case.  The thickness of the uterus, the acne around my jaw line, and now the hostile mucus - all tell-tale signs of Endometriosis.
While he is in there, he is gonna check the tubes out for any blockages aswell as any other abnormalities. So the 2nd of June will be the day for this. On the bright side I am looking forward to clearer skin!

It can take a few months for the mucus to normalise after the Laparoscopy, so we will need to go back for the same Day 12 scan Day 14 PC tests once the Lap'scope is done until I stop killing the swimmers.

We have friends that have been this route and have had eventual success falling preganant naturally.  I am encouraged that we are on the right path.  The doctor we are seeing, is the scientific expert in this field, and while being expensive, he is the best we could have hoped for. He has a very gentle bedside manner and explains every detail patiently and in laymans terms and actually asks us if we have any questions before we leave the consulting room. (amazing!!!)

This has really provided some much needed answers for me, I feel much more more at peace, and more in control (even though I know deep down inside, and am prepared to admit even deeper down, I really am not). Just knowning what's actually going on has really calmed me. 

I still wonder why all this is necessary for us, but God has a plan, we just have to walk the road.  We have to trust him and remember that he is faithful.

Freedom to Hope

A friend who lived in a far away dictator-run country visited for a few days.  The picture she described of a community of people, displaced from thier counrty, but illegally in the one they live in. Unable to go home for fear of thier lives.  Much like our African neighbor and the refugees flooding our borders.

Looking at the similarites, and although the two countries are worlds apart, the heart of the problem is the same.  HOPE.

Some have it - a hope for the future - expecatiations that in thier future there is something good waiting for them, be it tomorrow or in a week or two. Others dont, expecting nothing good, or different from day to day. Stuck in a whirlpool of displacement with no way back.

Some have hope for the future here on earth, and thats where it stops. Others have a hope beyond here. Beyond tomorrow's experience.

An anticipation for something beyond the job they have, the car they drive, the house they live in, the pets they keep, the DVD collection on the shelf, the concerts they attend, the clothes they afford, bla bla bla.

Hope is the freedom to place trust in something bigger, something unseen, someone real, and to really believe with all your heart that prayers are heard, miracles happen and that there is A Divine Plan. To some the idea of this is silly, childish, for the weak.

Put yourself in the shoes of the (pick a counrty with dictatorship)-ean refugee who has had to flee for thier lives, and cant go home because of the risk of being imprissoned, not being legal in the county they happen to find themsleves in.  Without a home, without a job or a way to make life work.  What can you offer them? 
Now Hope doesnt seem childish or immature or weak does it? Infact it seems inhumane not to offer them something that lasts longer than a buck or two. Hope for the hopeless. 

It's this displaced refugee that needs the freedom to believe thier prayers are heard, that there will be a miracle in thier life and that there is A Divine Plan.

We all get displaced from time to time. Life throwas the preverbial curve ball. The job gets tough, a relationship doesn't pan out be what you thought, or bad news derails our well and carefully laid plans.

We all need hope.  To be free from worry of what people will think of us when we decide to hope. After all, not to be allowed hope is inhumane.

Hope deffered makes the heart sick - We could heal a whole lotta hearts if we encouraged Hope.